Thursday, December 18, 2008

 

The one where Frostilicus returns to whinge and maybe give out a few tips or two...

Hey guys. I've been slogging it out since february in the "real world" working at a job that some find mindless and/or mind numbingly repetitive....

As probably stated before, I got a job in a call centre. Yes, i'm still working there. Some days I enjoy it, some days I don't... anyway, i'll explain my job. i'm not a telemarketer. the company i work for basically has an inbound contract where we take messages and do directory assistance for a phone carrier. On some days, for every good caller you get, there's what seems like 100 fuckwit callers as well....which sorta sucks at times. there are times where it gets so busy that even the support staff and managers will get on the phones and take calls. there are times where it is so dead they will send people home (or give them time off without pay). there's weird callers.... prank callers... our managers call us to ensure quality control (tone and manner, etc).

now. in the near year i've been working there, i've been sworn at, said the wrong thing to the wrong person and got chewed out over it verbally (but in my defense...what i was reading off my screen wasn't clear anyway), had people get cranky at me (which is usually beyond my control in any case....as we answer on behalf of business, they have their own rules and conditions which we are advised to tell callers... and sometimes it gets contradictory... e.g. a council in one state here advises callers in their after hours service (which we answer for), to call the rspca.. which then advises the caller to phone their local council. smart, huh? that's had callers cranky at me a few times.

anyhoo.... ive got some whinges and tips....read on....

ok so its mostly whinges.... but there are hints in there if you can see past the sarcasm lol....oh and bitchiness, too....

1: We ask "which town or city please" for a reason. No, we cannot search the whole of Australia in one go. Telling me "it doesn't matter which town or city" doesn't help... pick a fucking city you lazy bastard. Suburbs do NOT help as not only is the question "town or city", there's more than one "Richmond" in Australia (and you self-centred Victorians can stop assuming Melbourne is the centre of the fucking universe... I've got news for you, IT ISN'T!)

2: Don't whinge to me about how the Yellow pages number can only be dialled from a certain phone and you're on another network. Swearing at me and hanging up doesn't really make me feel sorry for you, it just makes me laugh because you are a moron.

3: Asking for "a locksmith in (suburb)" doesn't impress me either. We're name specific. Yes, I can try "locksmith" in suburbs, but frankly, I don't have the time to deal with your stupidity. If you're nice about it, I might give it a shot, but if you talk like you haven't got 2 cents to rub together in your brain, forget it. For a search like that, you need the Yellow pages. Can't access it from your phone? TOUGH FUCKING SHIT try the internet like everyone else.

4: I say "one moment please" for a reason. It means shut the FUCK up and let me do my job. Don't continue to yammer in my ear, repeating the name you gave me like it's a fucking mantra. It doesn't help.

5: Mobile phones are now at the stage where they are light enough to be carried in your hand. If you are driving, YOU SHOULD NOT BE USING YOUR MOBILE PHONE (and I'm pretty sure in most cities here it's illegal). Whoever designed the hands-free kit for mobile phones should be SHOT. 95% of them sound terrible, which means I CAN'T HEAR YOU when you ask for your listing. Why am I asking you to repeat yourself? BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE AT THE BOTTOM OF A FUCKING WELL YOU DAFT C*NT! Stop being so fucking lazy, pull over and pick up your damn phone!

6: Don't bitch to me that your phone network doesn't list it's stores in the directory. That's the way they choose to run their company. Don't bitch to me that the customer care side of it is in India, either. If you don't like it, change your fucking phone company. There's such a thing as CHOICE. There's at least 5 others I can name to choose from.

7: Don't expect that new Thai restaurant to be listed when it's only been open 2 days. The people who update the database are slack. Sometimes it can take months. This is out of our control.

8: When I say there's no listing matching your info, I'm not playing games with you. I'm going on the info that YOU, the caller, have given me. If there's no listing... it's either genuinely not listed, or your information sucks.

9: Calling back 10 minutes later to ask for the SAME listing that I told you wasn't listed leads me to think you are ten times the daft fucker I took you for to begin with. Did you think 10 minutes later it would magically be listed?

10: Don't call back and whinge that the number didn't come through to your phone. Sometimes the network can take a while to get the number there. My screen says it was sent.

11: If I say someone is unavailable, just take it as that... don't ask why or where they are. I don't know. I don't even know who they are or what they look like.

12: When I say your call will be returned as soon as possible, don't immediately ask "when will that be?". I can't put a time frame on it for you. Your message gets to them within 60 seconds. Unless I've marked your message urgent, you'll just have to be fucking patient and wait for them to get back to you.

13: If you don't speak english, get someone else to call. If you're calling asking about a job and you don't speak decent english....sorry, but how the fuck do you expect to get a job in an english speaking country when you don't speak the language? Find some english classes, take them... and then call back. Or, fuck off back to wherever it is you came from and get a job THERE (and stop taking our bloody jobs).

14: If i say i'm taking messages and don't have any other information.....don't keep pumping me with questions. You're gonna get fed up hearing my repeated response.

15: If you are a telemarketer from India... don't say your name is Michael or Sharon. I know you're a lying bag of shit who is probably talking to me from a hut beside the Ganges river. And LISTEN to what I'm saying. If you ask for the business owner and I say they're not available... you're a telemarketer so you're obviously not going to leave details.. HANG UP AND TRY THE NEXT SUCKER YOU FUCKING IDIOT. Don't try and sell ME your crap, because I'm just not fucking interested.

16: Don't moan when I ask you if you would like a cheque sent to you to refund the 50 cents you lost in that vending machine. Yes, they send a cheque. That is their policy. No, the staff on site at the railway station will NOT refund you the money and in most cases it says that on the damn sticker you got the fucking number from.

17: Nurses and medical staff. I know it's important, but SLOW THE FUCK DOWN.... I can only type so fast, and I CAN hear you exhaling in a pissed off manner when i say "one moment please" so I can fix my fucking typos because you were babbling like a race caller on elephant doses of speed. If you hang up without letting me read it back in full to you, I WILL add to the message that I was unable to verify BECAUSE YOU HUNG UP. (both to cover my ass and hopefully make you look like a fuckwit.)

18: Don't expect a real estate to be open on a weekend. EVER. Thanks to people who do, we get a lot of real estate calls on weekends. People have lives outside of the office. They are not there purely to serve your needs. I can mark your message ASAP or urgent, but honestly... don't be surprised if you get no response until monday.

19: Don't go apeshit at me when I tell you I can't process your council call re: a turtle that you have found. Sorry, your council doesn't list turtles in their stupid list. Take it up with the fucking council during business hours.

20: If you are stupid enough to put me on hold, I WILL hang up on you. I take upwards of 500+ calls per day, and I don't have time for you to put me on hold. Sorry.

21: Asking me to send the number through to your phone is a little pointless. No, I'm just going to stare at the damn listing on my screen. We send it through to your phone unless you ask for it verbally.

oh..and another thing about telemarketers.... sometimes they use something called predictive dialling... it basically works a bit like an auto-dialler... (think that episode of the simpsons where homer runs the telemarketing scam) anyway... what it does is wait for a voice on the line ... so if you pick up your phone and hear a squeaking sound....hang up.. its most likely a telemarketer.

enjoy.

~F~

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