The Tale Of The Spider
One night, maybe one and a half years ago, I was trying to get some shut-eye around midnight. I tossed and turned, as one does during those times of insomnia. Upon turning around, I noticed something in the corner. Grabbing my green LED light from my desk, I shone it into the corner (it was a pretty damn bright LED light) and saw a black lump, resting on the door frame.
Ah, it's just a cockroach, I thought. I moved a little closer, and it didn't look anything like a cockroach at all. It looked more to be like a... And before I could think the rest of my thought, I froze as I saw EIGHT very LONG legs stretching outwards from the body of the huntsman spider. I've suddenly gone into "freak out" mode. Spidey has run halfway across my door, and stopped. In my knee-jerk reaction where spiders are concerned (kill the fucker before it moves another inch), I've grabbed the closest shoe-like object, which I think was an ugg-boot. As I've gone to grab it, Spidey has scuttled behind the duffel bag which used to hang on my doorhandle. (I now have no doorhandle. Long story.) Ok, I think, trying to calm myself down, as my heart is now beating like a fast paced paradiddle: Carefully move the bag and whack the spider.
I move the bag, and as I'm doing so, Spidey scuttles behind the behemoth that is my desk. I nearly have a heart attack at this point. I sit down on my bed, more or less rooted to the spot in terror. Now, I know what you're going to say. It's *just* a spider. It's a huntsman, it can't hurt you. NEVERTHELESS, this bastard was the size of my HAND, and I am (what I call) PARALYSINGLY ARACHNOPHOBIC. That is, arachnophobic to the point where I can't even look at a picture of a spider on a computer screen without getting freaked out. The hair stands up on the back of my neck, seriously.
Anyhoo, cue 15-20 minutes of me glued to my bed, not being able to move because there's a spider under my desk (That's where the "paralysing" bit comes in). 15-20 minutes of me blubbering like a little whiny baby and being scared shitless. 15-20 minutes in the middle of the night, wanting to scream like nobody's business, and not being able to wake up the whole house. And wondering what the FUCK I'm going to do. Sleeping with this hairy fucker in my room does NOT equal an option. Cue horribly distressing images in my mind of waking up with this 8 legged thing spread across my face, breathing like the creature in "Alien". *major shudder*
So Frosty eventually wills self to get up off the bed, and out to the kitchen in search of chemical death for Spidey. Now, being that it's in the middle of the night and I have no desire to sleep in a room that I've just asphyxiated a spider in, I'm in kind of a conundrum about it. But then distressing images of the Alien/spider creep back in and I'm now more determined to slaughter this arachnid. Moving my chair, I peer under my desk, holding the can of chemical death in one hand and babbling insanely "Heeeere spidey, spidey!" to no one in particular, feeling completely distressed, with tears stinging my eyes...
And suddenly, Spidey decides to scuttle towards me! With a yelp, I drown him in chemical death! He flails a bit, and I shrink and yelp a little more, inching backwards. Now he's half scuttled, half limped away from me, moving towards the power cables that are connected to my PC. Not wanting to cause a potential electrical fault, I wait until he scuttles over all the cords. Very gingerly I move to the side of my desk, to see when he will come out.
And then he begins to crawl out of the space in between my desk and the wall. I douse him once more in chemical death, and then grab the nearest shoe and bash him! In fact, I think I bashed Spidey about 10 times, just to make sure he was dead. Even when I could see that he was missing 4 legs and he wasn't twitching anymore, I kept bashing him. I dropped the shoe, and then I shook my finger at Spidey. "Now you're dead, you fucker!"
And after letting my room air out for a little while, to avoid my tombstone reading "Here lies Frosty, suffocated by chemicals", I went to bed and slept, even though I had a recurring thought about another 8 legged monster inhabiting my sanctuary...
Ah, it's just a cockroach, I thought. I moved a little closer, and it didn't look anything like a cockroach at all. It looked more to be like a... And before I could think the rest of my thought, I froze as I saw EIGHT very LONG legs stretching outwards from the body of the huntsman spider. I've suddenly gone into "freak out" mode. Spidey has run halfway across my door, and stopped. In my knee-jerk reaction where spiders are concerned (kill the fucker before it moves another inch), I've grabbed the closest shoe-like object, which I think was an ugg-boot. As I've gone to grab it, Spidey has scuttled behind the duffel bag which used to hang on my doorhandle. (I now have no doorhandle. Long story.) Ok, I think, trying to calm myself down, as my heart is now beating like a fast paced paradiddle: Carefully move the bag and whack the spider.
I move the bag, and as I'm doing so, Spidey scuttles behind the behemoth that is my desk. I nearly have a heart attack at this point. I sit down on my bed, more or less rooted to the spot in terror. Now, I know what you're going to say. It's *just* a spider. It's a huntsman, it can't hurt you. NEVERTHELESS, this bastard was the size of my HAND, and I am (what I call) PARALYSINGLY ARACHNOPHOBIC. That is, arachnophobic to the point where I can't even look at a picture of a spider on a computer screen without getting freaked out. The hair stands up on the back of my neck, seriously.
Anyhoo, cue 15-20 minutes of me glued to my bed, not being able to move because there's a spider under my desk (That's where the "paralysing" bit comes in). 15-20 minutes of me blubbering like a little whiny baby and being scared shitless. 15-20 minutes in the middle of the night, wanting to scream like nobody's business, and not being able to wake up the whole house. And wondering what the FUCK I'm going to do. Sleeping with this hairy fucker in my room does NOT equal an option. Cue horribly distressing images in my mind of waking up with this 8 legged thing spread across my face, breathing like the creature in "Alien". *major shudder*
So Frosty eventually wills self to get up off the bed, and out to the kitchen in search of chemical death for Spidey. Now, being that it's in the middle of the night and I have no desire to sleep in a room that I've just asphyxiated a spider in, I'm in kind of a conundrum about it. But then distressing images of the Alien/spider creep back in and I'm now more determined to slaughter this arachnid. Moving my chair, I peer under my desk, holding the can of chemical death in one hand and babbling insanely "Heeeere spidey, spidey!" to no one in particular, feeling completely distressed, with tears stinging my eyes...
And suddenly, Spidey decides to scuttle towards me! With a yelp, I drown him in chemical death! He flails a bit, and I shrink and yelp a little more, inching backwards. Now he's half scuttled, half limped away from me, moving towards the power cables that are connected to my PC. Not wanting to cause a potential electrical fault, I wait until he scuttles over all the cords. Very gingerly I move to the side of my desk, to see when he will come out.
And then he begins to crawl out of the space in between my desk and the wall. I douse him once more in chemical death, and then grab the nearest shoe and bash him! In fact, I think I bashed Spidey about 10 times, just to make sure he was dead. Even when I could see that he was missing 4 legs and he wasn't twitching anymore, I kept bashing him. I dropped the shoe, and then I shook my finger at Spidey. "Now you're dead, you fucker!"
And after letting my room air out for a little while, to avoid my tombstone reading "Here lies Frosty, suffocated by chemicals", I went to bed and slept, even though I had a recurring thought about another 8 legged monster inhabiting my sanctuary...
posted by FrostilicusFrost at 8:58 pm
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